Saying It As It Is

It seems more often than not lately I’ve felt overwhelmed by lots of different things. I think its a mix of the boys getting older which means that the two of them together can seem a bit of handful. However I think I have to blame that at times I just feel extremely unmotivated and just plain lazy. I’ve felt for a while now that I don’t do enough with my boys, getting them out of the house or just generally playing with them in the day.

I feel like these two boys of mine are growing in the blink of an eye, and I definitely don’t feel I appreciate every second as much as I perhaps should. Don’t get me wrong I try. I tell myself every single day to do more, and appreciate my time more with the boys, but I really really struggle with that sometimes. It’s not that I don’t want to, because of course I do, but on the same hand, I am tired. Really bloody tired sometimes. I’m tired of house work, I’m tired of making sure the 3 meals a day are as good as possible (which often result as fish fingers and chips), I’m tired of being climbed all over, and my hair being tugged. Motherhood is not glamorous I’ll give you that. By the end of the day I remember I haven’t drank or been for a wee in probably around 12 hours. I’m tired of saying no and repeating every single sentence near on 20 times, I’m tired of washing, and fighting a baby that doesn’t understand why I want to change his nappy (I’m sorry darling but its not massively fun to me either).

All these things are just examples of what occurs on a daily basis, and they sound like minor complaints, and that’s because they are. It only becomes tiring because it’s what happens day in and day out, and when you’re feeling pretty bloody tired anyway, due to being a human being, then these minor things can seem endless tiresome pains in the arse.

I’ve seen a lot recently on social media of people perhaps insinuating that parents don’t appreciate their children enough because some of these people choosing to use a voice. A lot of these posts have nothing to do with appreciating children, nor does it ever come into a parents head that they don’t love or care for their children.

I really do understand that there are people in the world that aren’t fortunate to have children, and I cannot even begin to imagine that heart break, nor would I ever ever intend to offend anyone who couldn’t have children of their own. I don’t even feel that really comes into it when I’m complaining about being tired or fed up that day. However I think what parents are trying to do is let it out, let other parents know its completely ok to not be on the parenting game 1000% of the time, no one is perfect, no one can have a solid instagram worthy day every single day.

I let my child have a lolly as part of his breakfast this morning. Am I proud of that? Of course not, but what I am proud of is the fact that no matter what, I will always be here when they need me, I am raising them the way I believe is right for them, I am trying my best even at my worst, and despite anything that’s thrown in my way, I will ALWAYS put my children first. Surely that’s got to count for something when I’m having a tough day?

Today I took my boys to the park, went to get a cupcake and came home to watch films. Today I had a good day. Don’t get me wrong I still get pretty miffed about the hair grabbing and endless housework, but it isn’t as intensified when you have a good day is it? I will treasure my boys until I am no more, but I will also always let out the odd swear word under my breath when I cant be arsed. Parenthood hey?

Also whilst at the park I managed to take some pretty beautiful (not far off being pinterest worthy, but not quite) photos of these boys of mine, but I want anyone who sees these photos to not be fooled. For these are just happy moments captured in the whirl wind that is my life with my two beautiful yet feisty little boys, who I will love unconditionally even if at 40 I have no hair left!

8dsc_0558dsc_0569dsc_0579dsc_0587dsc_0560

Chloe x

 

Advertisements

My Early Miscarriage Experience

I was a little unsure whether to post this or not. It’s something that is extremely personal to both me and my husband, and if I’m honest not many people knew, I’m not really sure how many know now, because as time went on and I had my two boys, it was much easier to talk about the experience. However, I’ve come to the decision that I do want to share it, and I hope that it may bring a little comfort to anyone who has been through this awful experience before, that they aren’t alone, it wasn’t their fault, and there is always someone who gets it.

In January 2013, I remember we were on our way home from a concert, and I turned to my husband and said I felt a little different, my boobs were sore, and I just felt *something* was different. A day or so later on a Wednesday evening I decided I would buy a pregnancy test, just to check. I was always all over the place with my cycle, I could go months without having one so for us this was never a reliable way to tell if I were pregnant or not. So on that Wednesday evening, mine and husbands lives changed. Up came the faintest of lines, and we said this is it! It’s our time!
I’ve always been quite manic about pregnancy tests and always use far too many *just to be sure*, I decided to get a double pack of clearblue tests which tell you how many weeks you are, it came up as 1-2 weeks pregnant! This was my confirmation, I knew it was extremely early but seeing the words made it all the more real. We were that excited that we drove to my parents that same night to tell them, we rang my husbands parents that night too.

Over the next couple of days we were in a baby bubble of excitement, we even popped to Mothercare to look at all the baby bits, had a look at all the different prams and nursery bits too. We knew it was early and we didn’t buy anything on that basis but looking around just made me feel completely filled with joy. We were having a baby!

On the Friday I managed to get myself into the doctors who then referred me to a midwife and I was told my first appointment would be when I was around 8 weeks, I would get my midwife pack and appointment come through the post soon! It was all happening, we were planning ahead, even thinking about my car as it was a 3 door, so we said we would definitely need to look at some 5 door ones for ease.

Friday night came, and I’m not sure what made me do it, but there was one pregnancy test left in the clearblue box, and I thought I’d take it just to see if the weeks had changed. It was at this point, on that Friday night, I felt a pain I cannot describe.

“Not Pregnant”

What? How? Why? My husband rushed out to get a few more, but nothing changed, no line, no words of “pregnant” ever seen. My heart broke. The range of emotions I felt at that point went from feeling embarrassed, to denial. I wasn’t bleeding. Did I get a false positive? I read and it said it was near enough impossible. What had happened in 2 days? We decided to see an out of hours doctor that night, but the only one I could get in to see was around a half an hour drive from us. That journey.. My god that drive from our house and that surgery. We both just sat there, in silence, in shock, almost despair. My husband was amazing asking if I were ok, that it would be ok, and I think in my state of shock I forgot to ask HIM if he was ok. I know its my body but it was his baby just as much, his excitement and heart broken just as much.

We walked into the doctors room where I was asked to take one of their tests, and I knew, I knew the minute he dipped the little stick what he meant when he looked at us. He didn’t say it, the poor man couldn’t bring himself to. Then just like that, our baby bubble was gone. I sobbed, my husband sobbed, but we had each other and that was what mattered at that time.
As we walked in from the doctors that night, I started to bleed. It was confirmation that our baby had gone, and our hearts broke just that little bit more.

The doctor arranged for me to have a blood test the following day to try and understand what went on with my HG levels. It was here I was met by the most heartless nurse I have ever come across. Whilst taking my blood I had “Well atleast you’re young, imagine being 40 with no children”, “Look at me, I haven’t got any yet”. I couldn’t work out if she was trying to make me feel better, was just a bit ignorant, or didn’t really understand what we were going through. My bloods we taken and I was told I would get my results in a couple of days.

1 week. 1 week is all it took to go from a baby bubble, to utter heart break. On that Wednesday morning, I sat in the lounge, when the postbox went. It was my new parent pack with my midwife appointment. My god. How did this happen to me? Did I cause this to happen? Why couldn’t I keep my baby?
Hours later my phone rang with doctor on the end of it, who confirmed that my HG levels were low enough to confirm that I wasn’t pregnant. He was so nice, so supporting, and it was him who told me it wasn’t my fault, and that in fact, this is more common than I thought.

No one deserves to go through this experience. I only knew about my baby for 2 days before it was gone, and never did I think in a week I could go from the happiest I’ve been to the lowest.

I have since gone on to have two very beautiful boys, without anymore miscarriages.

Please understand if you have been or are going through this that you are not alone, it can feel that way, and no one can ever take that heart break away, but it gets easier, and I hope that your time will come to have those beautiful babies very soon.

 

Chloe x

My Top 5 Ways To Amuse The Kids

I seem to always get stuck with what to do with my little brood to keep them amused and content, as if I’m being honest, Finlay especially is a child that very much needs constant stimulation if not he begins to get a little bored, fed up, and ends up being a bit naughty in order to get that attention, I’m not sure if it’s a first child thing? Jacob is very happy to just potter around amusing himself with his toys etc, but I absolutely love to get out and take them places so we can do different activities to keep them both amused, but lets be honest, you cannot go out every single day, and at times I’m afraid my little darlings will just have to be bored. Even though that does mean I end up suffering the cabin fever consequences!

16106076_1827569730846745_1920960520000421744_n

I thought I would put together some things I love to do with my two littles when we have spare time in case you feel in a similar situation to me in that, most days, you just cannot think of anything to do.

Soft Play

I think this one is a given for most parents who are stuck for ideas on what to do with their littles for a couple of hours, but I must say it’s a goodun! I find soft play (although unbelievably stressful at times) a god send. It’s perfect for a rainy day, the kids have so much fun running around like wild animals, it diminishes cabin fever, and at the end of it they are absolutely shattered (including us). This is definitely my top go to on a rainy day!

16105506_10154584814510141_180468639741337409_n

The Garden Centre

Our local garden centre is called Dobbies, and I must admit I am guilty of being there 2-3 times a week sometimes, but it is linked to a Tesco Extra so that’s ok.. I am ‘doing the shopping’ too. Although I am in there far too often, the kids absolutely love it, and I find it a great way to get them out of the house. They have a little café in their with a play area which sorts them kiddie lunch times out that I can never be bothered to do (does anybody else find making 3 meals a day tedious? Don’t Judge!), but not only that, they sell fish, and rabbits which makes for a great mini aquarium visit and a coo over the fluffy rabbits.

The Park – Going For A Walk

This is fab for when the weather is a little nicer, we haven’t been to the park since well before Christmas as its been a bit wet, and the days its usually dry and nice, I am probably at work, so I cannot wait for more settled/warmer weather so I can take the kids out to the park or up to Sandringham where we can walk and play for a few hours. There’s nothing better than fresh air, Finlay absolutely loves the park and walking around exploring, he gets so excited. Jacob is only just starting to get a bit steadier on his feet so i’m hoping as Spring comes in he will be able to walk about rather than being lugged about or in his pushchair bless him!

14164086_10154181374750141_1786380129_o

Baking

If I’m honest, our baking is nothing to wow, it’s usually just a pre-made cupcake mix from Tesco. I have also been known to buy the fairy cakes from there and just decorate those. Either way Finlay loves to make and decorate them. He loves mixing the mixture, adding the ingredients and just generally being involved in it all. Such a simple way to break up or day which is definitely needed at times!

16002926_10154584814855141_8776422251768495375_n

Local Farm

This one again, is for when the weather brightens up a little, but our local farm is brilliant for Fin & Jacobs age. Walking around looking at all of the different animals, having a run around, going on the ride on tractors, playing in the soft play area, they even have trampolines! It’s not the cheapest way to amuse the kids but its definitely a good one, you can spend quite a while at these sorts of places so it can really pass the time.

 

I find these Winter months so difficult in terms of amusing my littles, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying that. I just find it so much harder to think of indoor activities, especially lately as it has been SO cold! Here’s to longer days and warmer weather!

Chloe x

 

 

The Siblings Project | January

It’s been almost a year since I’ve joined in with the Siblings Project, but with the new year here, and one of my goals being to really commit to my blog this year, I really want to start up with it again as it is definitely one of my favourites!

I love to watch my two little ones growing and bonding together, and now that Jacob is getting older, I can really see the bond growing more and more. Jacob is absolutely obsessed with Finlay, he finds him hilarious, and watches him in awe at everything he does, even the naughty things! They are definitely growing into a team who love to run mummy and daddy raggered, and as hard as the days can seem with them both teaming up to take mummy and daddy down. It’s extremely heart warming to see them get along and just enjoy time with each other.

I often catch these two up to no good, jumping on the sofa is a favourite at the moment, and as soon as I enter the room they both disperse, full of cheeky laughter, because they know full well mummy says no! I’ve noticed more recently that if one does something naughty and has been told, the other will often copy with a slight smile on their face as if to say “this’ll really get her knickers in a twist.” Which all too often I can find myself getting frustrated by them both, but at the end of the day they are both little babies still, learning & growing, and as hard as it really is, I wouldn’t change these two cheeky little men ever.

I’ve noticed Finlay is still a bit stingey on the sharing side, which we try really hard to discourage and involve them both in what we’re doing, but at times I understand it’s hard for Fin as Jacob still doesn’t quite understand that he cant have whatever he likes when he likes and on the same token Jacob will be playing away nicely and suddenly Finlay decides he needs that toy too. I don’t think sharing is quite there yet with these two little men, but I am definitely seeing it get better and better, Finlay is slowing understanding that Jacob is still very tiny, as I believe Jacob is beginning to grasp not everything is his!

Since having our garage converted to a dining space we really try and eat all our meals at the table, and if me and Jack don’t have dinner at the same time as the boys then I will always make sure they sit at the table together. I think this is a time where I really see these two bonding. It’s like they have little inside jokes with each other and I will often catch them giggling and making their own little jokes (coaxing each other not to eat tea so mummy gets moody), I really could sit and watch them for hours.

That’s my boys for this month, I cant wait to see how they grow in this next month!

img_3726

15621760_1817272308543154_8883386523134252286_n15697472_1817293588541026_2669400011599394535_n

The Me and Mine Project

Chloe x

Our Christmas 2016

I cant believe we’re already in the middle of January! Its taken me so long to finally get around to sorting my photos and footage from Christmas, with all that life entails on a day to day basis!

This year we hosted Christmas at our house as we’ve just had our garage converted to a kitchen/dining room, so we now have more than enough space for both our families to come over which was lovely. I just absolutely love being with the whole family at Christmas, it makes it so special to spend the days with them & the children. Our two are the youngest by quite a bit in our family so I think it brings the magic back into it for everyone!

Finlay is 3 now, and this year he was SO excited about the whole thing. I felt he really started to get an understanding of what was going on & understanding the magic in Christmas. Of course he was super excited about anything to do with the word presents, although he actually loved opening them more than the actual toys? I blame those ridiculous YouTube videos he watches on repeat (does anyone elses child watch people unwrapping kinder eggs by the way? It’s actually a thing!!). This year though, presents aside, he absolutely loved spending so much time with his whole family, he just loves all the attention, people to play with, talk to, he’s very much a family boy & I love to watch it.

Jacob however, as he is still so little didn’t have a clue bless him and is still very much at the give him a cardboard box and he’s done for the day age. Again though it’s so lovely to see him with all the family getting lots of attention and people to play with all the time, I cant wait to see him next year when I think he’ll really begin to get into it all.

As much as I do adore Christmas, I’m always ready at the end of it to begin our New Year with a new outlook & get back into a routine!

Here are our photos from our Christmas, I also managed to vlog our Christmas too!

dsc_1145dsc_1210dsc_1224img_3643dsc_1197dsc_1232dsc_1234dsc_1242dsc_1255dsc_1257dsc_1258dsc_1286dsc_1270dsc_1275dsc_1302dsc_1300dsc_1308dsc_1311dsc_1322dsc_1328dsc_1278

 

Chloe x

Finlay At 3 Years Old & A Little Video!

My darling little boy. How is it possible for me to be writing about you at 3 years old? It seems only a short while a go I cradled you, fed you, changed your nappies, dressed you up like some sort of possession, but now it seems those things are firmly gone. Not from memory, but most definitely in reality.

Now it seems you don’t need time for much at all. I’m not sure if it’s because you have a little brother who is still firmly dependant on me so you seem extra grown up. You don’t even like me to take you to the loo anymore, I mean that’s fair enough because let’s face it, it’s a pretty private matter, but still it’s yet another thing you don’t need me for, and I won’t lie, it hurts mummy’s heart an awful lot sometimes.

Dont get me wrong, as much as you growing up breaks me, I am full of pride as I watch you. Watching you learn to face the world which sometimes feels so scary is something you inevitably must do on your own, and it seems you’re taking it all in that stride of yours, you are such a confident little man, you’ll say hello to almost anyone, you love to wave and talk to people, and it makes mummy a little mad that there are people who completely blank you! (Who does that?!).

DSC_0151

You’ve just started your second term at nursery and you absolutely love it. You have the biggest smile walking in there, and equally the biggest as you leave. You love to paint & colour, but I think your favourite is pretending to cook people meals in your kitchen and bring it to them “eat your breakfast mummy”, “you want some more?”, I could listen to you all day, well let’s be honest, I do! As from the minute those beautiful eyes ping open you are quite literally a non stop chatterbox until you shut them again at bedtime! Me and your daddy always joke about where an earth you would get such a trait from (it’s 100% daddy).

img_3643

However, let’s not be fooled, there are a fair few days when you and I seem to bump heads! You can be a little mare when you choose to be, and you aren’t a fan of listening to mummy when she tells you off, I mean I do go on a little, but still my sweetheart, just humour me at least! You aren’t a huge fan of sharing either at the moment, and if I’m honest I know it can be annoying that your little brother wants absolutely everything that you are playing with, but please understand that mummy doesn’t perhaps tell him off the same because he’s a bit too little to fully understand, but in the near future I guarantee he will.

Food. You aren’t big on meals at the moment(ever), but mummy is telling herself it’s a little phase and is just riding it out for now. You’ll of course eat all the rubbish in the world, but when it comes to actual meals they’re a challenge to get into you. We’ll get there though, I know we will.

Please can I just sorry? Sorry for not always having enough patience, or not giving you enough attention, or snapping at you just because I’ve had a bit of an off day in general, or not spending enough quality time with you, or not reading you just one more story at bed time (you do have 3 though!)

img_3645

I love you, more than I ever imagined I could. From the moment I found out we were expecting you, you were my entire world. I am so proud of the little boy you are growing up to be. You are so sweet and so caring of others and that really makes my heart smile.

I love you my little Finny-bobs, forever & always

Mummy & Daddy x

 

ARE YOU READY TO BECOME A PARENT?

I think this question has to be one the most asked questions before or even during pregnancy. I find this question extremely hard to answer, as I believe there are so so so many factors every first time parent considers when making the decision to try for a baby, or even considers them once they find out they’re pregnant (& for the next 9 months – 18 years).

I am a ‘young mum’. There’s no doubt about that fact, I am 23 years old and have a 2 year old and 4 month old. I understand that it’s a very young age to have two children, and trust me I get the label a lot, which is fine because it is true. The only thing that bothers me about being put into this so called ‘catergory’ is that I think people assume that just because I am young means that I wasn’t ready, or I am naïve about how difficult it is having two young children. Which then leads me to my ultimate question.

Are you ready to become a parent?

No. I wasn’t. Materialistically speaking, yes I was completely, I had everything I needed, I had everything I wanted for my new little bundle of joy. Emotionally? I mean I had done all research physically possible, I’d looked up every single bit of information I thought I’d ever need to absolutely nail this whole parenting thing. However once the baby was born, I realised just how much I wasn’t expecting. I knew the nights would be tough, but not that tough. I knew my baby would cry a lot when he needed feeding/changing/burping etc, but I didn’t anticipate that he would just cry for the sake of crying, and for a long time too. I know our lives would change forever, but I just never anticipated just really how much they would, I mean having a newborn baby is pretty much a house bound scenerio. I knew it would be expensive, I knew I would need to buy lots and lots of nappies and formula. However I didn’t consider just how much I would spend at Christmas and birthdays, and as for my wardrobe? Goodbye Topshop, hello Tesco F&F! I’ve heard a lot of people say how their kids are so much better dressed than they are, and I can confirm that this is true.

But is all of that really because of my age? We were married, we owned a house, we had good jobs with a good income, we had a huge support system, so why shouldn’t I have made the decision with my husband to start a family, just because I was young?

Yes I could’ve gone travelling, and I could’ve continued going out every weekend. However, to me and my husband, none of that even comes close to what we have now. The nights out, and carefree lifestyle, to me are nothing to what I feel for my two little boys. The love I feel for them, the sheer enjoyment of dressing them in nice clothing, the fun we have at Christmas and family holidays, the weekends spent at Farmer Freds, or some other animal/soft play attraction, their faces at Christmas and birthdays. They are what really matter in my life.

I genuinely don’t believe no matter what age you are, nothing, and I mean you can go to every NCT class going, read every book, but until that baby comes, I really don’t believe anything will ever prepare you, not only for how truly difficult it is, but how utterly amazing it is too.

Chloe x